According to the Mayan calendar, the world will be ending later this month on 12/21/12. Luckily for you RedEye readers, we’ve assembled a list of survival tips to make sure you’ll still be standing in the post-apocalyptic world. Enjoy your last few weeks, and be prepared for the aftermath.
1. Always have a piece of rope. What are you going to use it for, you ask? That’s for you to figure out. If there’s anything we’ve learned from the great adventurers Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Dora the Explorer, though, its that rope can always help you.
2. Keep a supply of non-perishable food items. Hostess going out of business is going to make these items even more rare and valuable after the apocalypse comes. Use twinkies as trading items to gain better stuff (like more rope), buy loyalty, and build your empire of survivors. Just make sure you keep a secret stash for yourself, though. Gotta keep that energy up with sugary goodness.
3. Know the signs of the zombie disease. Just because you see your best friend Jane or your favorite science teacher Mr. Zwanzig walking around after the apocalypse, doesn’t mean they’re alive. Check to make sure they haven’t turned into flesh eating cannibal by looking for these signs:
– Walking with a limp
– Glazed over eyes
– A desire to eat your brains
4. Duck and Cover. During the 1950s, the US was very concerned about protecting its citizens in case of an attack from the nuclear bomb. This video was created to demonstrate what to do for young students. Step 1: You duck. Step 2: You cover your head. If the US government says this will protect you from a nuclear attack, it should protect you from the apocalypse too.
5. Keep Yourself Entertained. You may be on your own for weeks before the Resistance comes to save you. If you have nothing to do, you may quickly go insane. Try keeping an iPod full of good music. Any genre will do — just avoid Nickelback at all costs. The horrible melodies will attract the undead.
6. Find a safe place to stay. You will need a bunker that is inaccessible to the zombies. Though they are dangerous creatures, the undead aren’t familiar with doorknobs. Underground locations work the best, or you could use a treehouse. (Just beware of zombie squirrels!)
7. Never let your guard down. If we’ve learned anything from action movies, it’s that anything that could possibly explode or catch fire will do so. You may be ambushed from any direction and people will be out to get you for your Twinkies. Look out for yourself (and your sugary treats) above all else.
8. Choose your weapon wisely. Take advantage of your right to bear arms and make sure you’re prepared for the dangers that a post apoplectic world will bring. Guns are a bad idea- once you’re out of ammo, they become totally useless. We suggest you start fencing lessons immediately. Or at least keep a Louisville Slugger with you.
9. Become a master of disguise. You will be targeted if you look like a survivor. You can get around this by looking like something else. Good options for disguise are stop signs, tigers, or even leprechauns. Stay in the shadows and avoid contact with anyone or anything that looks remotely sketchy. The only rule of the apocalypse is that there are no rules.
10. Constant vigilance. At the end of the day, we can only speculate what the Mayan Gods will bring to us at the fated hour. Follow these tips, and always be aware, be flexible, and be vigilant.
Travis Ryan contributed to this article.