Following the controversial shutdown of the federal government on October 1st, local teen Andrew McDowell(12) has been enjoying the luxuries of life without government-run facilities.

McDowell, a student at duPont Manual High School, has not attended classes since the shutdown. “It really is a shame that all of the government programs are shut down,” McDowell said, “but I couldn’t be happier that I get to miss school because of it!”

McDowell has used the time off to both sleep for 15-hour intervals, and watch every episode of the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men, because he “had nothing better to do.”

Despite his pleasure in missing school, McDowell has been feeling the struggle along with the rest of the country. “Yesterday, my microwave caught fire while I was trying to cook my daily Hot Pocket. I instinctively reached for the phone to dial 911, until I realized that the shutdown meant the fire department wasn’t running,” said McDowell, “so I had to put it out with a glass of water.”

McDowell’s parents, both employees in the Kentucky government, continue to go to work while leaving their son at home. “We think it’s best to just sit this one out,” said Sydney McDowell, Andrew’s mother. When asked about the shutdown and his classmate’s absence, fellow Manual student Jamie Robinson(11) looked puzzled. “What shutdown?” she asked. “Why doesn’t anyone know about this? This is big news! I thought Andrew just had mono or something.”

A straight-C student, McDowell is quite active in the debate on the government shutdown. “No matter what has happened to the government,” he said, “I’m sure it’s all Obama’s fault.”

When asked for an interview, McDowell’s Government & Politics teacher Tim Holman simply put his head on his desk and began to quietly sob.

This is a satirical article and is intended to be read as such. It is not meant to be taken seriously.