RIDICULAM: City officials address catastrophic promposals

Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer officially declared a state of emergency in Louisville following a long series of distressing and catastrophic promposals at a press conference yesterday.

Fischer has requested federal aid in order to address city-wide “prom-blems” that have resulted from several of these cute, seemingly-harmless high school acts which have gradually become more popular and elaborate.

“This has simply gone too far,” Fischer said. “If we do not get serious aid from higher up to stop this problem, we may very well face a prom-pocalypse.”

Fischer addressed several incidents in particular.

For instance, just last Saturday night, a distracting bright flashing sign with the words “Becky, will you go to prom with me?” was hung over I-65, resulting in a fifty-car pileup which killed two people and hospitalized over fifty.

Steven McLaren, a junior at Male High School who caused the catastrophe, denied Manual Redeye an interview, but he did make a Tweet about the incident.

“Omg I didnt meen for this 2 hapin. Im sooo sory for the peepul i hurt. Still, Becky will you go 2 prom with me??? #luvyou,” McLaren’s tweet read.

A similar promposal resulted in a fire at the Assumption lacrosse game two weeks ago, when a skywriter spelling the word “Prom” with a question mark burst into flames and resulted in forty injuries.

“Too many people have suffered and died from these ridiculous promposals,” Louisville Police Chief Steve Conrad said. “Just give your girl like a teddy bear with chocolates and a note saying ‘Prom?’ on it or something. Don’t fill her car with ping-pong balls with ‘Prom?’ written on every one.”

Conrad, of course, is referring to the incident in January, when Trinity High School senior Scott Smith filled his girlfriend’s car with thousands of ping-pong balls with “Prom?” written on them. When she opened her car on Fourth Street, the balls rolled out, causing dozens of bystanders to slip and fall, some of whom ended up breaking their backs and necks.

“I feel bad that those people had to get hurt, but I heard somewhere that if I wasn’t like super-creative with the promposal it’s a turnoff or something,” Smith said.  “At least I have the balls to do something creative and large-scale like that. Did you get that? Because I literally had the ‘balls.'”

This article is satire and is not to be taken seriously.

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Spencer Kincaid is the Assignment Editor of RedEye and former staffer of RedEye and the Crimson Yearbook. He plans on studying business at the University of Louisville. He is a competitive bowler on Manual's team and enjoys playing rugby and Ultimate Frisbee. He can be found on Twitter @SpencerKincaid1 and on Instagram @sakincaid.