RIDICULAM: Superintendent Hargens distracts with free pancakes

In an effort to distract JCPS students from realizing their summer vacation is now non-existent, Superintendent Donna Hargens decided to distribute free pancakes to all JCPS students and parents at IHOP on Tuesday, March 4.

March 4 was the twelfth JCPS cancellation due to “inclement weather.” Of the twelve snow days, six of them have been due to heavy snow and ice, three were due to spilt cups of ice on the ground, and the remaining three were because JCPS officials simply did not feel like waking up for school.

“Back in December we were super stoked for some snow days to happen,” said Travis Byron (10). “Now it’s March and I just feel like hitting my head against the wall. Do the officials even care? I really feel like making a Facebook rant right now.”

In addition, March 4 was the scheduled day for high school juniors to take the ACT exam. However, officials have decided to just say “screw it” and schedule it for Tuesday, July 15 instead.

“Screw it,” JCPS official Walt Byron said while trying to eat soup with a fork.

“It’s so ratchet,” Dustin Taylor (11) said. “Just let me get my mediocre score of 28 and get it over with.”

With Twitter posts and angry calls from parents being severe enough as it is, Hargens stated that she only wishes to prevent further uproar within the JCPS community.

“JCPS officials have developed, what you might call, the inability to make right decisions,” Hargens said. “Everybody is furious, and if we are going to prevent an uprising, we need a way to distract the public as much as possible. And what really takes your mind off things? A steamy stack of hot-grilled flapjacks. Sooner or later they’ll forget all about our complete lack of judgement.”

Breakfast food restaurant chain IHOP sponsored the event, giving out free stacks of pancakes to more than 100,000 students and parents.

“What snow days?” Noe Middle School seventh grader Ryan Styles said as he stuck his head into a stack of three buttermilk pancakes.

This article is satire and is not to be taken seriously.

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Spencer Kincaid is the Assignment Editor of RedEye and former staffer of RedEye and the Crimson Yearbook. He plans on studying business at the University of Louisville. He is a competitive bowler on Manual’s team and enjoys playing rugby and Ultimate Frisbee. He can be found on Twitter @SpencerKincaid1 and on Instagram @sakincaid.