SAN DIEGO–This evening, recent St. Louis Rams draftee Michael Sam was arrested on murder charges after many homophobic citizens across the nation died of pure shock after witnessing a genuine demonstration of affection between two homosexual men when Sam briefly kissed and embraced his boyfriend following the “life changing news.”
The small act of love has been described by many experts and historians as “the most grotesque behavior in sports in written history,” and has likened the experience for most of the offended inbred mountain people and backwards conservatives to opening the Ark of the Covenant.
“The NFL and its fans have long abided by a traditional culture and the progressives of today cannot impose upon us their widespread acceptance and promotion of confidence in one’s self. I mean hell…most of us just got used to blacks, do we need to accept queers too?” rationally inquired Cloyd Jackson, avid Atlanta Falcons fan and holocaust denier.
Lucky for Jackson and other fans trying to preserve the league’s homophobic culture, several players and ex-players have heroically come to the front lines to combat the encroaching homosexual parasite on the league on today’s battlefield: Twitter.
Current Miami Dolphins Safety Don Jones eloquently asserted that the kiss shown on ESPN while Michael Sam joyously celebrated his drafting was “horrible” and even worthy of a tweet reading “OMG.”
Jones was not the only one taking to social media. Former Super Bowl champion Derrick Ward also chimed in with, “I’m sorry but that Michael Sam is no bueno for doing that on national tv.” Ward was also so generous as to offer that the PDA was inappropriate due to the fact that kids were watching.
This has been a concern of many smothering mothers across the nation as well. One in particular, Mandy-Lynn White, not only lost her aging ex-Ku Klux Klan member father but fears for her son as well. “My eight-year-old son has also been traumatized by the event. I don’t know what’s happening to him. He’s not only provided great input on our house redecoration but has also developed a new love for actually good looking male clothing. Are we going to let these gay athletes turn our nation’s youth like this?”
Other accomplices to the crime arrested include Sam’s boyfriend Vito Cammisano as well as ESPN anchor Stuart Scott. Scott was arrested based on obstruction of justice charges due to a tweet reading, “NFL guys get drafted. Kiss girlfriends. @MikeSamFootball kissed his boyfriend. Don’t like?..that’s a “you” problem.” This was made on the grounds that it shamed some homophobic critics of Sam into not publicly attacking him and ESPN as a network for trying to extend the homosexual community the same courtesies that the heterosexual community is.
This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously.