Once again, our holiday season is under attack by an army of humorless jerks. We should have spoken up when they took our Indian costumes. Now, it’s too late. The pervasive Liberal war on Halloween, as lead by anti-spooky conspirator President Barack Obama, has gone too far. Oct. 31 will never be the same again.
As you are well aware, this great nation of ours was founded upon spooky values. But now, hippies are waging a war to de-spookify October 31. This can be seen everywhere, from Left-wingers protesting the public display of jack-o-lanterns, to their more recent and insidious attacks on one of our most cherished costumes: the indigenous Indian, calling Native American costumes “distasteful” and “culturally insensitive” like the holiday haters they are. What’s next? Our very freedom to trick-or-treat peacefully could be taken away.
Referring to Halloween-centric events as “fall parties” and “autumn celebrations,” these assailants sanitize this great season, and worst of all, they take the spook out of Halloween. We should take steps as a nation to condemn anti-spooky epitaphs such as “happy holidays” that intentionally avoid referencing Halloween.
We’d do well to remember that this affects more than just us. Think of the children. President Obama and his band of goons conspire to take the right to trick or treat that we and our forefathers have enjoyed, away from them. Look no further than to Obama’s recent anti-halloween sentiment “In my first term, I won the war in Iraq. In my second term, I will win the war on halloween, no matter how many patriotic American servicemen I have to drag down to the grave in order to win it.”
And judging by the attitudes of today’s youth, the problem doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. “Should the war on halloween be stopped? Absolutely not. It hasn’t gone far enough. It needs to continue until I see Jack Skellington’s head on a pike,” Reagan Roy (11, J&C) said.
We must take steps to instill our cherished spooky values into the public sphere, preventing these Communists from stealing our cultural heritage right from under our noses. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I’m not too scared to say it: Happy Halloween, everyone.
This article is a satire and is meant to be read as such.