Ridiculam: how to practice safe Black-Fridaying


Spencer Kincaid

Well it’s that day of the year again: The day millions of American line up for hours with their credit cards sharpened and their wallets loaded so they can drop mad cheese on 50% off televisions and one-dollar DVDs. But although Black Friday can possibly be an exciting time filled with lasting memories and family fun, it can easily become disastrous. Riots start in the tightly-packed stores and people get injured far too often because they are not prepared. So if you’re a consumer who doesn’t want to end up consuming food through a straw, please read the following tips on how to enjoy your Black Friday without ending up in the red (Get it? Because, like, you’ll be bleeding?)

1.) Avoid wearing hoop earrings.

This is the mistake most women and a handful of men experience at least once in their life. Imagine you’re fighting your way through Kohl’s with the last available, totally cute pair of riding boots you’ve always wanted. Suddenly some ratchet thing comes out of nowhere, gives a nice pull on one of those big letter “O’s,” and snatches your boots while you’re too busy rolling in pain to notice.

2.) Plan out exactly what you “need” ahead of time and know where to find it.

This prevents you from having to wonder around and get lost in the dangerous crowd of confusion. The sooner you get what you “need” and get out, the better. To avoid the dangerous environment that is Target, scout the area beforehand. Make a map. Know where everything is and go with the flow.

3.) Wear proper shoes.

You want to wear comfortable shoes that will let you maneuver the obnoxious crowds with ease. Don’t forget that they help you get to the stuff you want first. If you don’t have such a pair of shoes, the store you’ll be in probably does. Recommended shoe brands include Nike and Adidas. Stilettos may be acceptable, but only as a handy defense mechanism. Speaking of defense…

4.) Arm yourself for the worst.

When you know someone is trying to get in your zone and jack something that is rightfully yours, don’t go unprotected. It is crucial that you maintain some line of defense so you can ensure you do not receive bodily harm, or worse, your two dollar copy of “Never Say Never” gets stolen.

5.) Forget Black Friday altogether and just do Cyber Monday instead.

If you’re going to buy a bunch of highly discounted stuff on a day everyone else is buying same said highly discounted stuff, why not do it in the privacy of your own home? With a laptop in your, well, lap, and a credit card at hand, you can buy the same things you would have bought while getting maced by an old lady with an X-Box. All you need is a computer and the patience to wait three extra days.