Ridiculam: Water Company – “Water probably won’t kill people”


Ian Johnson

Louisville Water Company spokesman Jeff Hill reassured citizens that the water filtrated from the Ohio River after Thursday’s chemical spill in West Virginia will “totally not kill people” during a Friday morning press conference.

The announcement comes after several Northern Kentucky cities and Cincinnati shut off water after thousands were instantly melted upon drinking tap water in Huntington,WV and Maysville,KY.

“The water is just as healthy and delicious as usual. In fact, I think I’ll drink some now,” said Hill, who then proceeded to pretend to drink a glass of water while pouring it out over his shoulder.

“I’m just glad I don’t have to stab anyone at Kroger over the last $30 bottle of Dasani,” said Louisville native Mary Parker, who later admitted that a raiding groceries for scarce supplies would have been “pretty cool”.

Yet, some are still concerned after reports of green slime oozing from sinks and spontaneous combustion of some citizens after drinking water.

The chemical passed by Louisville between 5 and 6 A.M. this morning, and caused hundreds of dead fish to wash up at Waterfront Park. Several pedestrians on the Big Four Bridge reported the river bubbling and smoking.

The press conference was ended when Hill put on a biohazard suit, stepped inside the water company building and locked the door.