Ridiculam: Burnt offerings displease God, lead to UK defeat


Spencer Kincaid

Last Monday at AT&T Stadium in Dallas, Texas, Almighty God allowed the University of Kentucky Wildcats basketball team to suffer defeat at the hands of the University of Connecticut Huskies following a prolonged series of heartfelt but displeasing couch sacrifices.

In the past few weeks of the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship, widely known as “March Madness,” Lexington natives have taken to the practice of incinerating couches, sofas, and other bench-like pieces of home furniture as burnt offerings to their Heavenly Father. However, instead of pleasing the Almighty as gifts of gratitude for winning, the couches have only managed to take up a considerable amount of space in His already-cramped condominium in the sky.

“I was just about to put one of those Bowflex TreadClimbers right there,” said God, pointing to the far corner of His TV room at a beer-stained brown leather love seat. “Do you realize how awesome those things are? But then out of nowhere this two-seat piece of junk comes and ruins everything. I’m so mad at UK fans right now.”

God took out His frustration during UK’s championship round against the Huskies by using His Almighty powers both to smack away several three-point shots from Aaron Harrison and to guide UConn’s free throws into the basket. As a result, UConn managed to walk home with a 60-54 national victory and their fourth win in fifteen years. The couch-burning Wildcats were left down and defeated.

Kyle Johnson, a UK senior who ‘bleeds blue,’ soaked a couch in 5 gallons of kerosene and set it ablaze in the middle of the college’s quad shortly following the team’s 74-69 Sweet 16 victory over rival Louisville.

“Thank you God for leading us to victory! I offer this couch unto You!” cried an intoxicated Johnson.

God is currently in the process of donating the numerous UK couch offerings to Heaven’s Goodwill, two clouds over from His condo.

“The sooner I get these couches out of my pad, the sooner I can get around to finding that Malaysian plane. Or curing cancer, or whatever,” God said.

This is a satirical article and is meant to be read as such.