RIDICULAM: First openly-gay racehorse wins Kentucky Derby, inspires questioning stallions everywhere


Spencer Kincaid


California Chrome pridefully galloped away as champion of the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs, being the first and only openly-gay racehorse in the history of the sport to do so.

The gay stallion is now excited to strut his stuff at the Preakness Stakes at Pimlico, Baltimore on Saturday, May 17, in the second of three races known as the Triple Crown.

Chrome’s announcement of being gay takes place at a time of  national attention involving several other athletes opening up about their sexuality. These include 34-year-old Brooklyn Knicks center Jason Collins and 24-year-old Missouri defensive end Michael Sam, who recently became the first openly-gay man to be drafted into the NFL.

“I think it is a gosh dang disgrace to the world of sports,” said Focus on the Family founder and evangelical Christian James Dobson. “If we let gays on our tracks, then our nation’s youth will begin to think that these family-ruiners are actual human beings with the same skills and abilities as their women-attracted counterparts.”

Chrome made his sexual orientation known to the public one week after the running of the Derby, the Grade I stakes race for three-year-old thoroughbreds held annually in Louisville. The event attracts hundreds of thousands of visitors from around the country and the world to wear fedoras, bet money and drink ten-dollar beer as they watch horses make left turns.

Currently the stallion’s victory is literally the single most-discussed topic in the media, and it is expected to maintain that amount of attention for approximately another three days. After that the media is expected to find something else of which to make a big deal, such as Canadian pop star Justin Bieber getting a tattoo or a pretty white girl that went missing.

“It is about time I get something off my horse chest,” said Chrome at a press conference inside his stable. “I have been waiting to get this out for three years now. I am…attracted to other stallions. I am so grateful of all the love and support I have been getting from my owner and teammates, especially my partner Jeremy, who has been running beside me for as long as I can remember, and whom I know will continue running beside me until euthanasia do us part.”

According to one of Chrome’s owners Perry Martin, Chrome’s victory at the Derby is a momentous leap towards building the equal image of gay horses in racing.

“This is really a true milestone in horse racing,” said Martin. “What California Chrome has shown the world is that you don’t have to be straight to be athletic and win races. Gay horses don’t just stand around and twiddle their hooves during practice. They go out and they give 110 percent like everyone else.”

However, Chrome has faced a large amount of negative criticism from certain horse racing fans, who feel like his life choice is “unnatural, unAmerican and a disgrace to the game.”

“I just think it’s, it’s, it’s a load of crap,” said one intoxicated Derby visitor wearing a Confederate flag t-shirt. “I didn’t come here today to see some flamboyant horse win and take all my money. If I’m going to watch a horse take a long pee, it better be straight.”

In the days since Chrome’s victory, he has already hoof-printed a book deal, and plans to publish his memoir entitled The Horse Inside Me in time for the next Derby season.

“Basically, California Chrome is not just any ultimate bae,” said Chrome’s life partner Jeremy. “He is my ultimate bae.”

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously.