RIDICULAM: Cake Fight Breaks Out in Washington: Life Goes On

RIDICULAM: Cake Fight Breaks Out in Washington: Life Goes On

Tori Kitchens

WASHINGTON – A disturbance broke out between a group of senators early this morning at a reception before convening to approve revisions to The Affordable Care Act. The incident began at 12:30 p.m. at the Bush memorial conference center, when Senator Mitch McConnell “flung a piece of cake into Senator Elizabeth Warren’s face.”

“Senator McConnell insisted that the most senior senators be given a greater portion of cake!” Warren explained after the reception. “When I pointed out that this would be an unfair distribution of cake, McConnell demanded the entire cake. He was completely unreasonable, despite my repeated pleas for him to let them eat cake. After some heated discussion, he threw his cake at my face!”

“Warren is completely disconnected from the situation in the world.” Commented Mconnell, while taking a particularly large bite of cake. “There is clearly not enough cake to go around. But I promise to bring plenty back in doggy bags for my constituents!”

Eyewitness reports from independent candidates standing outside the reception confirm McConnell’s outburst. Libertarian candidate Shaun Paul (Texas) said, “We were just looking in through the windows, hoping we could get a slice, when Mitch threw the cake right in Warren’s face.” He continued to say, “The best part was definitely the look on her face. Hah!”

“After the initial cake throwing, things began to devolve,” said senator Greg Ball. “The Republicans started yelling and stamping their feet. Elizabeth started crying, and Biden led a rush of Democrats to hide under the dining tables.”

Eyewitnesses report seeing several instances of violence on the scene, although all present deny the accusations. By far the most bizarre of these were the reports of an unnamed senator from Kentucky receiving a vicious “wet willy with icing on top” for which he was later hospitalized. “I’m honestly glad that this happened,” said the victim. “At least I won’t have to listen to all this ACA nonsense.”

A prominent proponent of ACA revisions reportedly slipped while attempting to remove strawberry glaze from his toupee after a drive-by caking. Doctors reported permanent neurological damage from the concussion he received. “I still believe the Nation is destroying our Affordable Care Act,” the anonymous Senator slurred only hours after the accident. His aide reported that the senator still plans to vote in favor of revisions to the ACA, despite his pre-existing condition.

In the wake of several similar events, President Obama announced the creation of the Department of Janitorial Services. “At this point, there is no getting around it.” Obama said at the pronouncement. “The Senators are not going to stop making messes. It is my hope that the American people will take on this burden of cleaning up after them.” Leading economists report that the new department will create 200,000 jobs in Washington alone, which should be a boost for the economy.

The President also announced the creation of a new health care plan for Senators, owing to what has now been deemed “hazardous working conditions.”

Jeremy Walker, a witness on the scene, gave his opinion on the incident. “Oh, this happens all the time. It’s a part of the process. I’m just glad we have such strong, wise leaders to sort through all these things for us. Have you ever looked at The Affordable Care Act? It’s about a thousand pages long! I sure don’t want to think about it.”

Later that night, Hester Lee, who experts agree is “most likely the last sane person left on the planet,” was found protesting alone outside the conference center. He wore khakis and a polo shirt, and held a sign that said, “We the people.” Lee commented on the incident, “This is all crazy! Our legislators can’t be trusted with our interests.”

When asked for his solution to the problem, Lee turned red and began emitting steam from his ears.