RIDICULAM: New dress code mandates scuba gear for girls


Spencer Kincaid

scuba diving feature image

duPont Manual Principal Jerry Mayes announced last SBDM meeting that administrators will revise the school dress code to ban girls from wearing any clothing except for certified scuba gear, effective Sept. 19.

According to Mayes, the new regulation came from a recent study at Stanford University which finds that  practically all males ages 13-19 are just as attracted to female arms and legs as they are to female shoulders and gluteus maximi.

“We can conclude from our extensive research that boys are, generally, attracted to girls, and that can be a problem,” Stanford professor Dr. Laura Cartensen Ph.D. said.

Other high schools around the state have taken action from this study, such as Lexington’s Paul Laurence Dunbar, who has required all girls to cut their hair and dress like boys, and Highlands High School in Fort Thomas, who has mysteriously gotten rid of every female student entirely.

Manual administrators are ultimately passing this regulation to try and take out any chance of distraction during class time.

“We, the adults of Manual, feel our females are best kept not walking around with their exposed calves and sinful forearms and such,” Mayes said. “What we need for our girls is a thick layer of non-form-fitting rubber around their body, available in all the latest styles of course. Our boys need to stay focused if we want to get that 36 ACT average we’ve been talking about.”

Administrators remained confident that the females will grow accustomed to the new attire and will even begin to love the non-revealing breathing apparatus and rubber fins.

“I understand that this change will be unpopular at first, but I’m sure that the students will soon adjust to the gear. We’ll even let them decorate their oxygen tanks!” Assistant Principal Darryl Farmer said.

Several students expressed concern regarding the changes. “I’m worried that I’ll get pulled over in the halls if my mask is hanging even a little low,” Hannah Phillips (11, J&C) said.  “I mean, if some guy is gonna be distracted just because he can see parts of my face, that’s his problem. I can’t even show off my true love for miniskirts and shoulders when I’m forced into scuba gear!”

According to Assistant Principal Dr. Matt Kingsley, who was wearing a shirtless Ed Hardy shirt and fluorescent lime green cargo shorrs, students will no longer complain about their ID’s not matching their outfits, because all gear must be the same color.

“This is just another example of totalitarian authoritarian bureaucracy. I wanna see some skin,” Eric Travis (12, HSU) said in the middle of a class lecture, with his biceps and luscious football calves glistening in the natural light.

This is a satirical article and is meant to be read as such.