RIDICULAM: Google’s ties to Russia


Hunter Hartlage

Editor’s note: Ridiculam is an older satire series on RedEye. This is the first installment of its revival. 

The Kremlin has devised a particularly devious plan in their unending quest to poison the minds of our youth and destroy the fabric of democracy as we know it.

While it is widely known that they have already begun implanting communist suggestions in our children’s public television programs and hiding anti-democracy propaganda within popular music, our dangerous Russian rivals have begun attacking another piece of our fair society in hopes of indoctrinating the next generation of Americans.

“Trump is acting within his competence,” Vladimir Putin said. “That is why we have decided to attack a different heart of American society: Gmail.”

The stalwart defenders of liberty here at JCPS are one step ahead of Putin, however. Anticipating Russia’s attack on Gmail, the service has been blocked on JCPS wifi since 1998.

“It has been years since we banned Gmail,” Donna Hargens said, shrinking away from the bright light of our camera. “I’m just glad that we’ve finally figured out why.”

“I can’t believe Putin attacked Gmail!” Jane Doe said. “I mean what else am I going to use to communicate with my peers other than GroupMe, Reddit, Google Docs, Google Slides, Google Plus, Google Hangouts, YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter, the comments section of this article and the JCPS-approved Microsoft Outlook email server?”

Of course, we all learned last year the dangers of using an email server.

While it is incredibly inconvenient for students and teachers to be unable to use the most popular and effective email service in the nation for assignments, homework, and projects, it’s a small price to pay for the protection of our youth from The Red Menace.

This is a satirical article and is meant to be read as such.