RIDICULAM: The Bill of Rights, apparently

Bill+of+rights+sign.+Photo+by+Nick+Youngson+on+Creative+Commons+Images%2C+licensed+under+CC+BY-SA+3.0.+No+changes+were+made+to+the+original+image.+Use+of+this+image+does+not+indicate+photographer+endorsement+of+this+article.

Bill of rights sign. Photo by Nick Youngson on Creative Commons Images, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0. No changes were made to the original image. Use of this image does not indicate photographer endorsement of this article.

Phoebe Monsour

Historians had to translate the Bill of Rights from Victorian English to modern English, because no one could understand what the hell it was saying anymore. Two alternate translators were assigned to the task, and each remained as objective as possible. Try to notice the subtle differences:

The Bill of Rights

Article I:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, because we’re all Protestants anyway. I mean, if there were any Muslims or Atheists around, or something crazy like that, it’d be different, but as it stands, we’re all good.

Congress shall not abridge the freedom of speech or the press, unless they’re talking crap about America. No one disrespects the land of the free, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for most.

Congress shall also pass no law prohibiting the right of the people to peaceably assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances, because no change ever comes from that kinda stuff anyway.

Article II:

A well-armed populace being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. In fact, it shall never even be regulated in any way at all. Like, if they somehow made a gun that could shoot 125,000 rounds per second, it should be available for anybody. That way, when the government begins its inevitable hostile takeover, freedom-loving Americans can protect themselves from tyranny in the most badass way imaginable.

Article III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, because they’ll spend most of their time fighting pointless wars in the Middle East anyway.

Article IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

All of this applies to every citizen except young black males, because they’re probably dealing drugs, and should be stopped and frisked at every opportunity.

Article V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury. Now, it doesn’t really matter if that jury is fair or unbiased, so long as it’s there. No person shall be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself. White men shall not be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, because public property sounds like something Communists would have.

Article VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by a jury of old white men who already know that they’re guilty. They shall also enjoy the right to be informed of the excuse given to arrest them; to be confronted with the witnesses against them; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense, so everything looks really fair.

Article VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by a completely biased jury shall be preserved, and no fake news shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, except for all the times when exactly that will happen.

Article VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. That being said, the death penalty is still an entirely fair and constitutional method of punishment.

Article IX

Rich white men in the United States enjoy rights that are not mentioned in this Constitution. Everyone else is lucky to have these in the first place.

Article X

If this Constitution doesn’t say that the federal government has a specific power, then it needs to step off and mind its own business. Let the States do their own thing. Unless we don’t like that thing, like if they try to legalize abortion or something.

The Bill of Rights

Article I:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, because religion gets in the way of getting our abortions every day and forcing The Straights™ to get gay married.

Congress shall not abridge the freedom of speech or the press, unless people are being, like, really mean or something.

Congress shall also pass no law prohibiting the right of the people to peaceably assemble due to our ever growing need for safe spaces and to petition the government to fix all of our problems.

Article II:

N/A

Article III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, because we shouldn’t have the military anyway.

Article IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. This is because no one should have private property nor access to weapons to begin with, and therefore, no private property can be seized and there is no need for a search.

Article V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; but the government owns all the property anyway as we should seize the means of production.

Article VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of Trump-haters of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense. Public defenders are good enough, right?

Article VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law, or by whatever we feel like is hate speech that day.

Article VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. The innocent still get the cruel and unusual punishment of any future Trump’s existence.

Article IX

Rich white men have had rights for too long. These rights and other natural human rights shall only be retained by non-rich, neuro-divergent, disabled, LGBT or female individuals, and they shall never be questioned for anything they say or do. Example: not liking a woman for her bad acting or racist rants is SEXIST and thus PROBLEMATIC.

Article X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are completely for the government to run. The states can just, uh, be there I guess.

 

This article is satire, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Featured image credit: “Bill of rights sign”. Photo by Nick Youngson on Creative Commons Images, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0. No changes were made to the original image. Use of this image does not indicate photographer endorsement of this article. Image link: www.creative-commons-images.com/highway-signs/b/bill-of-rights.html.