After a week of bloodshed and instability in the Middle East, Israel and terrorist-organization Hamas have finally called a ceasefire after both sides agreed that the situation is, in fact, pretty complicated.
The conclusion was reached this past Friday, entirely due to a statement released by the Teenage White Americans Troop (TWAT), a US-based organization dedicated to solving foreign geopolitical conflicts in under 140 characters.
The statement released Friday explained just how complex the centuries-long conflict really is, calling it “a real tough cookie” and thoughtfully asserting that “war is bad.”
“We realized that TWAT was right. This whole ordeal has gotten pretty messy over the past couple thousand years, so it’s probably best to just move on,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
“We were really impressed by the TWAT’s capacity to understand that while war crimes are bad, terrorism is also bad. Takes like that don’t get enough attention these days,” said Hamas political chief Ismail Haniyeh.
“The TWAT’s impact on the Palestinian territory has been remarkable,” said US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken. “Feeling heard by Americans is really important to the Israeli and Palestinian people.”
It seems that the only catalyst for conflict in the region was the sheer complexity of it all. Now that it’s been removed, Sunnis, Shias, Jews and Christians will be able to peacefully co-govern the region despite its sparse resources and their fundamental divergence of values and traditions.
“We just don’t hate Jews that much anymore,” said Mohammed Dief, the chief of Hamas’ military wing. “They’re pretty cool once you stop shooting at them.”
Netanyahu weighed in, saying “I feel kind of bad keeping Muslims out of Jerusalem so long. They’re pretty cool once you stop shooting at them.”
The 2023 Israeli-Palestinian Peace Accords are expected to be drafted and formalized this December at the annual TWAT Christmas party, which the TWAT would like to emphasize is totally not a religious thing, it’s just called that because it’s around that time of year.
