R/W Week 2021 SATIRE: The Male Bulldog’s obituary


Brennan Eberwine

The Manual community holds a somber funeral affair for the Male Bulldog, their arch nemesis. Photo by Brennan Eberwine.

Brennan Eberwine

The Male Bulldog

Today, on Oct. 28, 2021, we lay the Male High School Bulldog to rest. The Male Bulldog was born on Ye Old Day to someone, somewhere and an appalling shade of purple. It lived, just not anymore. 

Curiously enough, the Bulldog has been buried every year before without fail, but continues to be resurrected by the tears of Male students. Perhaps they’re so sad because they know they’re hoarding the barrel.  

The Bulldog leaves behind this dedicated Male student body, who actually couldn’t be in attendance to their own mascot’s funeral due to worries about losing a football game or something. The cause of death was tripping on a pair of clown shoes. 

The Male Bulldog wished to be cremated. However, after finding out the Bulldog was actually a conglomeration of discarded Male uniforms, it was determined that the Bulldog was in fact too toxic to cremate. 

The Male Bulldog lived a mediocre life, full of disappointment. Its biggest dream was to attend college, but sadly it failed its ACT and none of the institutions applied to were test optional. Its favorite activities were wearing khakis, having an inferiority complex and public urination. Like the khakis the Bulldog loved so much, its personality could be described in one word: bland. It was also British (ew). 

We, the Manual community, extend our deepest condolences to the Male community while grieving the loss of their beloved mascot. We will make this difficult time easier for them by quickly and efficiently beating them at the Male v. Manual football game.

Tributes from Male Students

“I don’t know, he was just sort of… there,” one Male student said.

“He died?” another passionate Male student said.

We asked the duPont Manual Ram, the supposed longtime rival of the Bulldog, what they thought about this somber day. To which they responded, “Who?”