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SATIRE: Manual RedEye Welcomes back Prodigal Son

The+one%2C+the+only%2C+Leo+Tobbe.
Cooper Walton
The one, the only, Leo Tobbe.

Prodigal son Leo Tobbe rejoined the RedEye staff last week after an invitation from Staff Advisor Vanessa Hutchison. Hutchison, a second-year teacher at duPont Manual High School, hurled a seismic blast through the national journalistic community with this invitation, requesting Tobbe write childish satire rather than reputable and relevant news.

“I honestly just don’t care anymore,” said Hutchison, signaling that Tobbe is a new glimmer of hope for the school paper.

Tobbe (12, J&C) says he actually left the paper in 2021 because it was, “kind of boring,” and “just lame,” including all of its various awards for outstanding journalistic work and hard-hitting local coverage.

In his new role as Head Satirist for Manual RedEye, Mr. Tobbe says he will write stories that “add absolutely no value to society whatsoever.” In fact, Tobbe expressed confusion over his position on the staff, saying he doesn’t “even know what [he is] doing here.” Needless to say, the American people are expecting great things from him.

Despite his glaring lack of expertise, Tobbe wears his title with pride as the staff anxiously awaits the publication of his first piece in years.

“He was on the staff for an entire year and I don’t think he did any work the entire time,” RedEye Editor in Chief Kaelin Gaydos (12, J&C) said. “He was always just playing games and making bad jokes.”

“There’s just something really off about that guy,” RedEye Multimedia Director Cooper Walton (12, J&C) said.

Some RedEye staffers even had trouble containing their excitement. “The first time I met him he shook my hand and just said I smelled like ‘updog.’ What does that even mean? How am I supposed to respond to that?,” staffer Jackson Jones (11, J&C) enthusiastically inquired.

When questioned about Tobbe’s reputation, Jackson Barnes (12, J&C), who is not on the staff and has no stake in this story, said, “Who?”

Regardless, Tobbe’s position on RedEye will certainly revolutionize the publication, signaling a new dawn for duPont Manual High School and the United States of America.

About the Contributors
Leo Tobbe, Staffer
Leo Tobbe is a dignified pillar of workplace professionalism and an extremely undervalued opinion writer for Manual RedEye. He hates satire with a burning passion, feeling that it distracts from real issues and stories with real journalistic value. You can contact him at [email protected].
Cooper Walton, Multimedia Director
Cooper Walton is the Multimedia Director for Manual RedEye. You can contact him at [email protected].
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  • B

    B.Oct 27, 2023 at 1:24 pm

    My heart is very sad towards your recent behavior and actions Leo, as well as to what this publication has become since I’ve left. I personally believe this is a very childish sort of move and does nothing but fuel a rather negative, spiteful image of whom you should not be trying to encompass. Call it satire if you may, but I am ashamed for you. This is not journalism, nor is it the professional maturity you should be striving to put forth. I pray that you find peace.

    Reply
  • J

    Jacob DaySep 4, 2023 at 10:31 am

    Personally I am thrilled for Tobbe’s return – I believe he will add absolutely no value to the RedEye team and will likely not contribute in any significant way, but rock on none the less 🤙

    Reply