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Manual RedEye

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SATIRE: New Evolv weapons detectors keep students safe

Objects+such+as+three-ring+binders+and+eyeglass+cases+are+known+to+set+off+the+Evolv+weapons+detectors.+Design+by+Aaron+Ziegler.+
Aaron Ziegler
Objects such as three-ring binders and eyeglass cases are known to set off the Evolv weapons detectors. Design by Aaron Ziegler.

For roughly two weeks now, Manual students have been greeted at school by long lines and bag-searches. Following last November’s imaginary active shooting and the subsequent imaginary weapons ban, JCPS has invested nearly $17 million in a state of the art Evolv weapons detection system to further ensure that imaginary weapons no longer threaten our public schools.

“Evidently, imaginary weapons are a huge problem in 21st century schools. These systems identify anything that might be a pretend knife or bomb, like umbrellas or water bottles,” Evolv founder Anil Chitkara said.

While some feel the system is an obnoxious bureaucratic redundancy with no real hope of preventing school violence, most students have welcomed it as a long-overdue solution to the problem.

“Sure, the 30 minute wait to get into school might be a pain, but it’s well worth it if it means my friends and I will be safe from laptops and three-ring binders,” David Copium (12, YPAS) said.

Due to the positive community response, JCPS officials have discussed implementing other safety measures in district schools, including discouraging pregnant women and people with heart conditions from riding school buses, and minimum height requirements to ride the elevator.

Manual’s administration, however, is not blind to the fact that these policies may cause problems for students, which is why they’ve announced plans to roll out a new CrimsonCard+ program.

For just $24.99 a month, CrimsonCard+ will give students access to the full Jefferson County Public School experience, allowing them to skip that cumbersome line in the mornings. CrimsonCard+ even comes with special perks like access to a private bathroom that doesn’t smell like weed all the time, and 10 free tardies a semester.

All proceeds from CrimsonCard+ will go to paying down the district’s debt from purchasing the system.

About the Contributors
Leo Tobbe, Staffer
Leo Tobbe is a dignified pillar of workplace professionalism and an extremely undervalued opinion writer for Manual RedEye. He hates satire with a burning passion, feeling that it distracts from real issues and stories with real journalistic value. You can contact him at [email protected].
Aaron Ziegler, Staffer
Aaron Ziegler is a staffer for Manual RedEye. You can contact him at [email protected].
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    Constantine WillowFeb 25, 2024 at 4:26 pm

    Huge thank you to JCPS, I never feel safe at school when there is the looming threat that my life and the lives of the people I love could be transformed by the catastrophe of an evil maniac with a three-ring metal binder. Now, I can rest easy knowing that I am free from this scourge about half of the time and we won’t have that pesky $12 million taking up space in our budget. Truly addressing the important issues, tax dollars going to great work in the highly rational and intelligent JCPS schoolboard.

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