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SATIRE: Kentucky legislature passes statewide ban on imaginary firearms

Police+respond+to+an+active+shooter+hoax+call+at+Manual.+Photo+by+David+Schenk.
David Schenk
Police respond to an active shooter hoax call at Manual. Photo by David Schenk.

The Kentucky legislature passed sweeping gun control reforms this week, following a series of active shooter hoax calls to schools across the state, including Manual. The Thoughts Against Imaginary Non-Terrorism Act, (TAINT Act) bans all sale, use, purchase and ownership of   imaginary assault weapons like those used in Wednesday’s attacks. 

This new legislation received widespread support in both the state house and senate, as many Republicans favor common sense gun legislation, so long as it is completely imaginary.

“We have to keep our schools safe,” said state Sen. Maxwell Padd (R), “I have a niece at Olmsted North, and I’m now convinced that the only way to keep her out of danger is banning the imaginary weapons that artificially threatened her life.”

Sen. Padd declined to comment on any possible restrictions on real guns.

“We want to ensure that these imaginary attacks never terrorize our communities again,” said state Rep. Tammy Pawn (D), “it totally sucks that we can’t do anything about the real ones though. That blows.”

“The fact of the matter is that we can’t undo the past,” says newly re-elected Governor, Andy Beshear (D). “What we can do is keep those shootings that didn’t happen on Wednesday from happening again, and that’s what this law will do.”

Exhausted and traumatized students share their thoughts on the law. As it turns out, Kentucky’s young academics are comforted by the idea of the Republicans’ TAINT.

“Even if it turned out to be a hoax, the attack was very real to us, and it was really confusing when we learned it was fake. At least next time we’ll know our lives are in real imminent danger,” said Owen Hartmann (12, MST).

“It doesn’t matter that the shooting was fake, it was the scariest hour of my life. It’s comforting to know that because of the TAINT Act, the only school shooting I’ll have to worry about is a real one,” said Alex Hopkins (10, J&C).

About the Contributors
Leo Tobbe, Staffer
Leo Tobbe is a dignified pillar of workplace professionalism and an extremely undervalued opinion writer for Manual RedEye. He hates satire with a burning passion, feeling that it distracts from real issues and stories with real journalistic value. You can contact him at [email protected].
David Schenk, Staffer
David Schenk is a staffer on Manual RedEye. When he's not writing, he enjoys photography, podcasting, and apples in his free time. You can contact him at @[email protected]
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