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SATIRE: JCPS loans $5 million in to “Nigerian Prince” for $15 million payout

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JCPS Superintendent Marty Polio announced on Monday that the district would be loaning just over $5 million to the dethroned Prince of Nigeria, whose identity has been withheld for personal security.

“The prince was removed from power by a rebel group,” Polio said, “He needs our money to retake control of the country.”

According to Polio, the prince agreed to triple the district’s loan in return once he’s back in power. “This investment could lay the foundation for the future of our schools,” Polio said, “We are grateful for the prince and this almost unbelievable act of kindness.”

Polio states that he met the prince “over email” almost six months ago, and that they have become close personal friends.

“We share everything from childhood photos to Social Security Numbers,” Polio said, “He tells me all about the royal family and how hard it is to lead a country, which I can empathize with as superintendent.”

Despite Polio’s claims about this prince, the last monarch of Nigeria was Queen Elizabeth II, and the country has been democratically governed since its independence in 1963.

Polio declined to provide details on the Nigerian ‘Prince’, stating that RedEye’s email looked “fishy,” and that he “didn’t trust” it.

This decision follows a series of questionable financial decisions from JCPS, including paying an artificial intelligence $1.5 million to create this year’s bus routes, and spending over $11 million on weapons detectors that are incapable of detecting weapons.

Polio plans to use the prince’s donation to research and build one “really really long” school bus in order to fix the district’s current transportation problem.

JCPS held a Public Stakeholder Forum for Jefferson County residents on Dec. 4th. The forum took place on Easter Island from 11:59 pm to 12 am local time, and was announced only five minutes beforehand. RedEye was unable to reach the island in time to cover it.

About the Contributor
Cooper Walton, Multimedia Director
Cooper Walton is the Multimedia Director for Manual RedEye. You can contact him at [email protected].
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